Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
