my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
