So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
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