Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
