i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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