One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
