I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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