did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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