He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
