god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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