You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
