Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
