I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
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