dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
