just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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