I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
