apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
