I accidentally had phone sex last night
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
