I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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