Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.