508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
