I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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