He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
