Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
These tits shall not be calmed
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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