This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's rum buckets o'clock
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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