it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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