Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
