I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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