WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
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You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
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Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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