haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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