They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
