I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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