I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
