haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Dick very happy bro
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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