i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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