I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
