He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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