omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
