A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
