He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
