And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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