My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Randomize
