How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
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