my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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