I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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