wrigley field is MILF paradise
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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