He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
