i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Dignity is for republicans.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
