between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
