he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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