My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
