no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
He uses pillows to masturbate.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
