You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Randomize
