Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
