just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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