tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You ate ashes out of my bong
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